Wednesday, May 29, 2013

Yellow Yoga Sex Swings

When I created my list of "swear" words for The ABC's of Swearing I had 'yellow' as my 'y' word. 'Yellow' as in "To be cowardly, or a pussy." - Urban Dictionary

I actually just searched Don't Call Me Marge to see if she had done a Friday Fun Facts about 'yellow bellies'. I mean, she did a Black Death post so I figured this subject might be up her colourful alley. Perhaps, I'll suggest it to her because I really don't feel like getting into all of the history behind why yellow became such a derogatory colour (in some circles).

So, my point, I do have one. I was going to write all about the creation of 'yellow' as a derogatory term until I scrolled through my facebook feed this morning and found something entirely more interesting. Introducing...

Yoga Sex Swing

Here's part of the product spiel:
"The Fetish Fantasy Series Yoga Sex Swing will tone, stretch, strengthen, and rejuvenate your sex life! Swing into difficult sexual positions you never imagined with the world's first every Yoga Sex Swing. Be amazed how easy it is to find the optimum angle to achieve deep penetration with minimal exertion. Sex in these challenging positions has never felt so good and never been so effortless!"

Maybe they come in yellow?!


Tuesday, May 28, 2013

X-rated Films Are My Bag, Baby!

I suppose one could argue that all of my posts throughout The ABC's of Swearing have been X-rated. You know, vulgar, obscene, intended only for viewing by adults. I'd argue right back that that argument is bunk, but you can try if you want.

I'm not talking x-rated in terms of violent content; in fact, I refuse to watch any "entertainment" that has a rape scene in it that I have forthcoming knowledge of. Violence on television and in the film industry often disgusts me more than it entertains me, but x-rated in terms of sexual content, bring it on! You can't seriously believe that adults are the only ones having sex; if you do pull you head out of your ass! I mentioned in another post somewhere, or maybe I didn't, but I should have, that if young people were properly educated about sex early on there would be less passing on of the unwanted gifts that keep on giving (STIs), fewer babies having babies, and teens would be a lot less secretive leading to parents who are a lot less worried.

A wise person (I can't remember who) once said that as a society we need to focus on making the fun things (like sex) safe rather than trying to make the safe things (like abstinence) fun. I think I heard this in 2010 after the Vatican spewed it's anti-condom preaching for the world to hear. What a sad day for humanity that was.

With that said bring on the X-Ratings! Bring on the XXX! Bring on the porn! It's rare that I enjoy Rom Coms more than decently put together Porn. Perhaps they are both equally predictable, but at least one of them is exciting!

Now for your viewing pleasure; if THIS doesn't get you all tingly inside before giving you a nerdgasm, I don't know what will! (O, come on, you didn't actually think I'd link you to xxx.com did you?)



Monday, May 27, 2013

Wankers Welcome

For those sheltered souls that do not know what a Wanker is, here's a definition and some fun dialogue from Urban Dictionary.

Wanker
a British term for "one who masturbates". Commonly used as an insult.

A: You're such a wanker!
B: O gosh; how did you know?

Did you know that May is not only The ABC's of Swearing month, it is also Masturbation Month?!

Ladies, this one is for you:

This whole "masturbation is a shameful act for women to partake in" starts when we're really young if you think about. I present you, first, with non-visual Exhibit A: A little boy discovers his penis in the bathtub, starts playing with it, and says, "look what I found!" The response: "Aw, isn't he adorable!" Now for non-visual Exhibit B: A little girl discovers her vagina in the bathtub, starts touching it, and says, "look what I found!" The response: "Oh hunney, don't touch yourself down there. Good little girls don't do that."

From that point forward, until Aunt Flow comes for her monthly visit, girls are terrified of their vaginas. Women, do you remember the first time you tried to put a tampon in? Point made!

If you don't know how to pleasure yourself how do you expect anyone else to be able to do it? Think about it; I'll wait...

Now go masturbate and join me in the WANKERS 'R' US Club!

Sunday, May 26, 2013

Voicetrous Vaginas

Today is Sunday. The letter 'V' was supposed to be showcased on Saturday. I didn't post on Saturday, therefore, 'V' will be celebrated today. It's a good thing there are no rules in The ABC's of Swearing.

If you recall, I posted about Poetic Penises for 'P' Day. The poem I wrote there was half of a project I completed for an upper level literature class in university. I fell even more in love with the discipline after taking that class and realising the open-minded, limitless potential of English as an academic field. I presented both "The Penis" and "Vaginas", under the collective title Dispelling the Taboo, at the Senior Students Colloquium the year I wrote them, complete with full colour images in a timed PowerPoint presentation.


"Vaginas" is influenced by Libby Scheier's poetic masterpiece "Penises, 1" and after no further ado, here it is:

Vaginas

They're ugly cuz they're wrinkly.
Embrace wrinkles. They add character!

They're repulsive because they smell & taste like fish.
Fish is good for you. Eat it!

They should remain closed
and untouched
until they are ready to procreate.

WAIT,
just a second.
Why am I referring to the glorious
Velvet Curtains
as "they"?

Cunts
are beautiful flowers
swelling into bloom
with each caress.

Pussies are soft
and cuddly,
but only cum 
when they want to. 
Beavers work diligently,
but still make time
for play.

Muffs
are hot pockets
of silky smooth eroticism 
exploding into perfect bliss.

Punani. Coochi. Na Na.
All unstoppable
Vagina Warriors
unlocking the Boxes
Vajayjays
have been shut up
in for so long.

From the glorious depths
of Spread Eagle
Queen Hoo Ha exclaims
"Vagina Power!"

With that, I leave you with some final words of wisdom from my home girl, Betty White.





Friday, May 24, 2013

Celebrate The Small Things - May 24

This is my second time posting as part of this blog hop hosted over at Scribblings of an Aspiring Author. This week's is a lot less exciting than last week's.

This week has been a bit rough on me physically, mentally, emotionally, you name it and if it was mine, it went through the ringer this week. I developed a cold last weekend that started in my throat and has since moved to my sinuses. I've been dragging my butt from work to home and back all week. The leave of absence I requested from work so that I could count on being employed after spending the next two years as a broke graduate student, was declined. Now, I'm sure to be Brandy Robertson, MA and working at Starbucks. It's not only the lack of a secure job that this rejection causes, it is also going to make it quite difficult for me to get the student line-of-credit that I need if I am going to eat something other than Mr. Noodle for breakfast, lunch, and dinner for the next two years. On top of that, I received two scholarship rejection letters as well, another potential $10,000 down the toilet.

You know when you're just so high on life (like I was last week) that it seems like nothing can knock you down and then a bulldozer blazes in followed by a wrecking ball and your world comes crumbling down? Ya, it was a rough week.

So today, I am celebrating the strength to accept the things that I cannot strange, the courage to change the things that I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. I can't change any of these things, but life is still pretty darn great! I graduate next Friday (guess what I'll be posting about?) after seven long years of working part time towards my Honours BA. As I walk across the stage they'll say, "Brandy Robertson, With Great Distinction, and the recipient of the Silver Medal in English." I'll undoubtedly have to shake the hand of the person that denied my leave of absence request and accept the mandatory words of congratulations that she has to give me. Heck, maybe I'll even say, "Thank you." All I know for sure is that I will hold my head high, find my Mom and Baba in the crowd, smile as the tears of joy run down my Mom's face, try to keep my own tears at bay, and think to myself, "YOU DID IT!"




Truths About Tits & Ukes

We're in the home stretch of The ABC's of Swearing and it seems like most of us who signed up took our lovely host's advice and did not follow the rules. Wait, there are no rules. Wait, what? I'm confused. What I am trying to say is that very few of us are actually still posting daily and while most of us are still swearing frequently, we aren't really swearing through the alphabet. This little bout of verbal diarrhea leads me to the fact that I did not write a 'T' post yesterday.

You see, yesterday, I very nearly succumbed to the plague. Seriously, how does one little nostril hold so much snot?! Needless to say, I got home from work, inhaled a pizza, and spent the rest of the night in bed playing Candy Crush (don't you dare judge me) and thinking about the fact that I should be writing a post about one of my favorite body parts - tits.

I read this article once, based on what are undoubtedly highly scientific facts gathered from countless hours of quantifiable research, in a Cosmo magazine (or some reliable source like that) that said that a very high (I don't remember the exact figures, ok?!) percentage of women are attracted to the upper half (as in the tits half) of other women. I have to agree with the experts on this one. While vagina's don't exactly thrill me, I do appreciate enjoy a nice pair of tits. There have been many times where I have thought how titillating it would be for men to have tits. That would be really weird wouldn't it? Fun, though, right?! Well, maybe it's just me, but T is also for truth and if I can't be honest with all of the strangers in cyber space, who can I be truthful to?

Another truth universally acknowledged (ok, maybe not, but I am a Jane Austen freak so you have to put up with my references) is that I am a Uke, but not a stupid one like all of the stereotypical jokes indicate: How do you kill a one-armed Ukrainian hanging from a tree? Wave at him. Hardy, har, har - or NOT, fuckers! I can call myself a Uke because I am one. Other Ukes can call me a Uke because they're one. If you're not a Uke, don't even think about calling me a Uke. It's just not cool; that's not how these things work. My Baba once made 1000 dozen perogies for her brother's wedding. Us Ukes, we're kind of hard core like that.



Wednesday, May 22, 2013

Shit Pumps That Slander Sluts

I've been waiting for 'S' day in The ABC's of Swearing really since this whole challenge started. I've been waiting for 'S' for one reason. 

Slut.

Slut which I suppose I am because I like sex.
Slut which I suppose I am because I've had sex with people I don't love.
Slut which I suppose I am because I've had sex with people I don't even really know. 

Some people would say I'm a slut because I like to show off my girls, because I've got 'em so I flaunt 'em.
Some people would say I'm a slut because sometimes my skirts are short, because sometimes they're tight. 

I guess all of the above stated facts are supposed to be bad things. 
I guess slut is supposed to be a bad word. 

Except I see absolutely nothing wrong with any of the above things, so if that makes me a slut, then I'll accept the title proudly from all of the shit pumps that think calling me one will somehow degrade me into living a better, more wholesome, life. 

Tuesday, May 21, 2013

Really? Rape is Reasonable?

It's time for 'R' in The ABC's of Swearing and while I could talk about rimjobs, I'm going to attempt to prove a point.

Here are a few headlines taken from a really quick search of The Globe and Mail and The New York Times. These headlines have appeared in the last month.

Search query = rape:

Boy sentenced to 5 years for role in rape, murder plot
Why do bullying and rape outrage us?
Man charged with kidnapping, rape
Senior lawmaker quizzed over rape, denies allegations
Anthropology students face abuse, even rape, at field sites
Juvenile inmates found to be at no greater risk for prison rape
Woman is arrested in rape rumour that ignited protest
Tech advisor files defamation suit against rape accuser
Police seek another rape suspect
Gang rape suspect in critical condition

There we go; I think ten is enough.

Search query = cunt:

0 results

Apparently we live in a society where it is perfectly acceptable to see rape in the headlines of the most popular newspapers in the country, but to see cunt, well that would just be vulgar, derogatory, and completely uncalled for....


Monday, May 20, 2013

Q is Quite a Quandry

There were two "swear" words that came up when I was looking for a 'Q' post for The ABC's of Swearing, 'Queer' and 'Queef'. Don't even get me started on the use of 'queer' in a derogatory sense. Did you read my Lipstick Lesbian post? I'm not queer myself (insert Farmer Joe), but I think the people who are are pretty damn cool! I hope I am around when being queer is the new cool and being plain ol' straight is just old news.

Since the quantity of 'Q' words queried was barely quantifiable, I quickly chose 'queef' to discuss here with you. I quibbled with myself over quoting Urban Dictionary on this quest to properly qualify 'queef', but after queueing up words like 'queefcicle', 'queefburger', and 'Queef Cordon Bleu' I quashed that idea because even I was queasy. If a quack like me who has no qualms with "vulgar" language questions the use of quotations, it's safe to say I should quit while I'm ahead.

Although, of all the queef-esque words I came across, I do have to say that 'queefazoid' is my favourite!

Saturday, May 18, 2013

Penises Can Be Quite Poetic

If you have been following along with me on The ABC's of Swearing throughout the month of May you'll be well aware of the fact that I have a teeny tiny gigantically enormous problem with aspects of the male and female anatomy (namely the sex organs) being deemed "vulgar".

Today's letter is 'P' and there are so many so called "offensive" words that begin with this innocent letter that I just don't know where to start. Penis, Pussy, Prick, and my favourite...Poonanny! Who wouldn't want to call a vagina a poonanny? It's such a fun word to say: poonanny, poonanny, poonanny (fun, right?!).

One of the reasons I fell in love with English literature studies (I wrote all about it through the A-Z Challenge) is because of the wide range of open-mindedness that I was presented with and in turn able to express. The freedom of words is miraculous and another reason why I don't feel that any of them should be deemed "taboo" for any reason whatsoever. I wrote the following poem for a third year English class that I took quite a few years ago now, but that class and this poem, which I presented with full colour slides to accompany it at the Senior Students' Colloquium in front of my fellow students and professors alike, has stuck with me and made a significant impact on my way of thinking. It's inspired by the genius bpNichol and his poem, "The Vagina".

The Penis

My dad has one. I started out as the twinkle in his eye, shot through his heat-seeking love missile, and ended up a star! - so the story goes.

I used to think having one would be easier. Periodic calls to attention, the odd damp awakening. I could deal with that if it meant I could unzip and pee anywhere, anytime. Oh - the freedom!

Concrete and mystical gods created and worshipped in the image of Captain Winkie

Dickens, Milton, Shakespeare. I guess they each had one. I guess that's why it's call the canon. The power of the Pen-is in the literary world.

Once upon a time a prick name Chode and a cock called Schlong, took a ride on the Baloney Pony. For lunch they ordered Beef Bayonet and Pork Sword with a side of Weiner. To be continued...

Jimmy, Johnson, Willy, Peter. I knew one of each. They were and likely still are - dicks!

With the crumble of concrete and incurable misfire, now I'm glad I don't have one. I'm quite content sitting and from time to time borrowing one just for fun.


This is a collage of the images I used on the slide show when I presented "The Penis". As you can see, the other side of the collage presents vagina images and their associated poem, but I'll leave "Vaginas" for V day.


Friday, May 17, 2013

Celebrate the Small Things - May 17

This is my first post in the Celebrate the Small Things blog hop hosted over at Scribblings of an Aspiring Author. As the title suggests, this is supposed to be about reflecting back on the little things that made you smile or that you are especially thankful for that have occurred throughout the week. Well, you see, I've had one heck of a good week so a lot of the things I am going to mention here aren't really small, per say.

On Monday, my fiance and I financed a 2013 Toyota Tacoma SR5 Limited Edition. It's a double cab with heated leather seats, touch screen controls, and is blue tooth equipped. I love it!


On Thursday, I received a letter informing me that I was the recipient of the Silver Medal in English which would be awarded during Convocation. The Silver Medal is awarded to the most outstanding graduating student in each department as chosen by the faculty department members. They chose me! I always dreamed of receiving this honour, but never thought I would ever see my name associated with it. I am ecstatic!

On Friday, today, I received an email informing me that I was successful in my application to the Social Science and Humanities Research Council (SSHRC) for a $17,500 CAD Joseph-Armand Bombardier CGS Master's Scholarship. I put myself through the brutal application process in November and have been playing the waiting game every since. I am getting a freaking SSHRC a.k.a I'm an academic superstar!

Those are my three big reasons to celebrate!

In addition to those I am especially thankful for my dear friend who brought flowers to my office on Wednesday to thank me for helping her pull off a huge fundraising gala two weeks ago and for ensuring her pre-wedding social went off smoothly the week before that. I do these things because I love her; there is no act of appreciation required, but the flowers were a lovely surprise none-the-less.

My Mom drove the two and a half hours from her home to mine to celebrate with me on Thursday. Of all of the things in my life, I am most thankful to have a mother like mine. She is that mother in the corner of every room I am in holding up a sign that reads, "That's my daughter! Go Brandy!" I'm kidding of course; there is never physically a sign, but the look on her face or the tone of her voice exudes a love and support that never falters. 

When I found out about the Silver Medal on Thursday, another one of my beautiful friends took the time to remind me of something I often forget. I told her that I never imagined I would ever be presented with an honour like the Silver Medal and her response was, "It still surprises me that you don't realise you are amazing."



I've accomplished a lot of pretty fantastic things in my life, but I stand behind the fact that I could never have done any of it without the impeccable support I receive from the people I am surrounded by. Now that's something to celebrate!

Oh My, The Female Orgasm!

I'm sharing a little clip from the Vagina Monologues with you again because "The Moaner" is the best example of the multiplicity that is involved with female orgasms that I have ever seen. That and one of my best girlfriends performed this role once.

The whole video is orgasmic, but if you don't want to watch the full ten minutes, just watch the last minute and a half. 7:30 is where the real fun starts!





Thursday, May 16, 2013

Name That Sack...

Here on The ABC's of Swearing we've made it over the half way hump. We are on letter 'N' a.k.a. letter fourteen. Perhaps by the end of this post, you'll be able to guess what my "derogatory" word-that-begins-with-'N' will be.

I decided, just for shits and giggles, that I would look up different types of sacks for this post.

First, the definition of sack: a bag, especially a large one for carrying or storing goods.

There are money sacks (which I would very much enjoy being in possession of if anyone would like to give me one...a full one, of course):


There are stuff sacks (a type of drawstring bag usually used for storing camping equipment like sleeping bags):


There are gunny sacks (an inexpensive bag made of burlap used to transport grain or potatoes, or for having sack races and inevitably falling flat on one's face):


Now for the last type of sack that is apparently considered vulgar and inappropriate. It's human anatomy, people, why is it taboo to talk about?! - NUT SACK:


O, come on, you didn't actually thing I was going to post a photo of a scrotum on my blog did you?



LIEBSTER AWARD #2

Betty over at Etchings From My Soul And Spirit wondered across my blog and realising that, yes, I have very few followers, awarded me with a lovely Liebster!


I was pretty pumped when I received my first Liebster and since then I've received two Very Inspiring Blogger Awards (one, two), a Sunshine Award, and a Zompocalypse Award. They're all lovely, but they are a lot of work when you are new to the blog world. I am glad that this one only asks for a minimum of 5 nominees (the last one asked for 11).

I'm going to nominate random blogs this time around, blogs I've never visited before. They're all coming from the Blog Blitz being hosted over at Cruising Altitude 2.0 that I recently joined up to participate in. I'm making up nominee criteria as I go along here (just to make this more interesting for myself) and so have decided that they also must have written a blog post in the last week to qualify for this particular Liebster.

Without further adieu, here are my nominees:
1. Elise from Gladiator's Pen: This blog is about the battle our muse does in the arena, conquering the villainous plot ninjas to reach the last word of the last page.
2. Mark from Left and Write: Adventures in the Blogosphere!
3. Connie from A Merry Heart: A Merry Heart Doeth Good Like a Medicine
4. Jessica from A word or two, about a word: Home of Jessica Peterson, author of The Key to Life.
5. Anne from Is Anyone There?: Thoughts on family and life!

Here are 5 questions for each nominee to answer:
1. If you have published a book (most of these nominees have, some more than one), describe in three words how it felt that first time? If you have not published a book, how do you think it would feel?
2. Have you taken part in Blog Blitz before or is this your first time?
3. Have you ever run a contest/blog hop from your blog?
4. What is your favorite genre to read?
5. Where is your favorite place to write?

Here are my answers to Betty's questions:

1. How do you feel about having less than 200 followers?
Of course I'd love to have more followers, but I only started blogging regularly and participating in blog hops recently. I am confident that 200 will come eventually, but first stop is 100!

2. What is the most complicated thing you have ever had to do?
I'd have to say translate Old English text; that class was brutal (I do appreciate the English language a lot more now though).

3. What is the most out of the ordinary thing that you have ever experienced?
Pretty much everything that happened to me in Botswana over the four months that I was there was out of the ordinary. The two things that really stand out: getting bitten by a young teenage boy who stole my cell phone and being close enough to a bull elephant that I could reach out and touch him.

4. What is it about people that you enjoy the most?
I am quite introverted and will openly admit that I prefer books to people. I enjoy the all too often rare moments of kindness and altruistic behaviour that shines through.

5. What is your greatest contribution to society?
To society? Yikes! I was presented the Excellence in Community Service Award in 2010 by the Board of Governors of my undergraduate university. I guess I would say my relentless commitment to helping others help themselves.

6. Do you consider yourself to be creative?
Yes, when it comes to writing and personalised gift ideas.

7. What is one of your talents?
I have a decent ability to debate pretty much anything with anyone. I can typically find an argument for and against most things.

8. What is one of your aspirations?
I aspire to change the world through education. In the next five years I hope to spend some time teaching in a refugee camp in Kenya.

9. Are you a follower or an independent thinker?
I'm an independent thinker. I'm really smart and I will admit that I have a bit of an ego when it comes to intellect. Don't get me wrong, I'll listen to other people's ideas and give them appropriate consideration, but it is seldom that I prefer someone else's idea to my own.

10. What are the advantages to having less than 200 followers?
I suppose the advantage would be that I have fewer blogs to reciprocate the blog love to. (I'd still love a lot more followers though).

11. Why would you desire to have more followers?
I have a lot to say and want someone to listen. I hope to inspire people and educate them on issues that are near and dear to my heart!

Wednesday, May 15, 2013

I Made MM's MoFo-in' Zompocalypse Survival Team!

First, MM stands for Marjorie McAtee, Don't Call [Her] Marge. I'm going to refer to her as M from this point forward, well, because today is 'M' Day. She writes this bad ass blog (the one I just linked to back there) and I've been a fan of her writing for quite some time now. In fact, she's pretty much the whole reason why I am and a whole bunch of other kick ass bloggers are doing The ABC's of Swearing during the month of May.

Anyway, I nominated M for a Leibster and then a Very Inspiring Blogger Award which she accepted with a squee of excitement and then proceeded to tell me that these awards were being spread around like fleas on monkey balls and so she would be responding with her own unique award creation rather than following all of the award rules. M's a nonconformist, you see. She's a mother truckin' (what does that phrase even mean?) rebel really, living free and by her own rules. So here's the award:


Cheese 'n' Rice, I made the MoFo-'in Team! A bunch of other super rad bloggers also made the cut and because I want to live free and by my own rules I'm adding Daryl Dixon (Norman Reedus) to our team because his manly musculature makes my mouth water and he's one bad ass mother fucker!


Don't worry, team. Just stay calm and follow Daryl Dixon (Oh, and watch the puddle of drool!)

Tuesday, May 14, 2013

If She's a Lipstick Lesbian, What Am I?

When 'G' came up in The ABC's of Swearing I had full intentions of posting about how ridiculous it is that the word 'gay' is used as a derogatory term...and then I found Gizoogle...and the rest was history.

People don't really go around saying, "That's so lesbian," but lesbian is none-the-less a taboo term that is used offensively: "What are you a lesbian or something?" as if being a lesbian is the worst thing in the world that someone could be.


I decided to do a little research for this blog post and came across The Other Team and a list of common lesbian terms. I scrolled down to 'L' terms since today is technically 'L' day and was immediately drawn to Lipstick Lesbian (perhaps because I love any excuse to wear red lipstick).

Lipstick Lesbian: a woman who loves other women, but also loves her clothes, makeup, and shoes. She tends to dress on the femmy side.


There are so many different terms used to describe different "types" of lesbians: baby dyke, drag king, gold star, pillow queen, u-haul lesbian - to name a few.

After reading the list I wondered if there were similar terms to describe straight people, but we don't have different terms for straight people, do we?

Monday, May 13, 2013

The Little Koochie Snorcher That Kould

Have you ever read/watched the Vagina Monologues? I really have no words to describe Eve Ensler's masterpiece other than that it is cuntastic, pussyrific, an in-your-face celebration of womanhood done so intimately that you will find yourself doubled over with laughter, hyper-ventilating because you can't breathe through your tears, and absolutely proud to be and/or be on the same planet as the female gender of the species Homo sapiens.

When I was looking for a 'K' word for The ABC's of Swearing, there really wasn't a lot to choose from. Apparently Koochie (an apparently vulgar - we all know what I think about parts of the human anatomy being deemed 'vulgar') can be spelled a number of different ways: coochie, cootchie, kootchie, and the one I chose for this post: koochie. I decided to spell 'could' with a 'k' as well for appearance's sake.

So as I was saying about the Vagina Monologues, it will make you feel like you've never felt before, I guarantee it. Here's a clip of "The Little Coochie Snorcher That Could" from the Vagina Monologues. Brace yourself!


Sunshine Award

Barbara from March House Books nominated me for this lovely award so my first step is to thank her, profusely. I really hope you'll take a click over and spend some time on her sugary sweet blog. Her posts never fail to make me smile and have, in fact, inspired me (that's why I gave her a Very Inspiring Blogger Award) to start my own blog series on my collection of Berenstain Bears books that I cherish from my childhood. I haven't started it yet, but I will soon; I promise.

As always, the rules:
Include the award logo.
Link to the person who nominated you.
Answer 10 questions.
Nominate 10 bloggers, link to their blogs, and comment on their blogs letting them know they have been nominated.

Q&A (Lady B only gave me 8):
1. A favourite quotation: Life can be as bitter or as sweet as dragon tears, but whether dragon tears are bitter or sweet depends on how each person perceives that taste. - Dean Koontz
2. Favourite animal: I have to go with dogs on this one, but I do love cats and most other animals, except birds, especially chickens.
3. Beatles or Rolling Stones: Um, this is a little before-my-time, but I guess The Beatles because of Imagine.
4. A favourite destination in the UK: I've never been to the UK, but I am hoping to do a Jane Austen Tour in  England sometime during the summer of 2014 as part of the research for my MA.
5. Favourite alcoholic beverage: I'll go with Strawberry Margaritas on this one.
6. A favourite film: Under the Tuscan Sun.
7. Bugs or Daffy: I think Bugs...that waskily wabbit!
8. Nicknames: B or Mama B (I'll spare you the pet names that Farmer Joe calls me).

My questions for my nominees:
1. Who is your sunshine?
2. What is your favourite activity to do in the sunshine?
3. Do you suntan? If, yes, real of fake bake?
4. Does the sun shine a lot where you live?
5. Finish this phrase: Sunshine, happiness, and __________.
6. What is your favourite thing to do on rainy days?
7. Have you ever seen a solar eclipse?
8. Do you snack on sunflower seeds? If yes, what is your favourite flavour?
9. Have you seen the movie, Little Miss Sunshine? If yes, did you enjoy it?
10. What makes you feel like you are Walkin' on Sunshine?

Check out these sunny bloggers:
1. Susan from Scribblings because she has given me two blog awards since we met, The Liebster and The Very Inspiring Blogger Award and now I finally have one that I can give her!

2. Kathy from The Giggling Truckers Wife because the comments she leaves on my blog are priceless and the images of flowers she posts on the occasional Wordless Wednesday always bring a smile to my face. Heck, the name of her blog brings a smile to my face!

3. Ida from Reflex Reactions because her blog radiates positive energy.

4. A month of....Blog because the daily photos themed differently for each month always make me smile.

5. Nina from Nothing because her blog profile photos is a smiling sun! I noticed Nina's icon on a number of other blogs I follow and immediately thought, "how fitting for this award!"

Ok, so that is five, half of the number I am supposed to nominate, but I am going to take a page out of The Insomniac's Dream (I would have nominated her, but she may have murdered me; she's received a lot of awards lately. Unless, you want this award, Starr, then I'll happily make you #6.) and ask YOU to shout out to someone who is deserving of the Sunshine Award. Mention them in the comments and I promise, promise, promise, I'll visit their blog and leave a sunshiney comment.

VERY Inspiring Blogger Award #2

So, Starr Bryson from The Insomniac's Dream nominated me for another (this is my second; I guess I'm kind of a big deal) Very Inspiring Blogger Award. (What a bitch! Before you think I'm an awful person for calling her that, let me assure you that she will appreciate it. After all, The ABC's of Swearing was her idea after all.)

You can read about my first nomination here. Now for my second one.

Rules: 1. Display the award logo. 2. Link it back to the person that gave it to you. 3. State seven things about yourself. 4. Nominate 15 bloggers and include their links in your blog.

I've decided to use a different logo than the typical one that is used, because, well, I like this one better.

7 Me-Things (I wonder if I can think of 7 inspiring things...)
1. I decided to register to do my Creative Writing Thesis at university (post-graduation) so that I would be forced to write about my life-changing trip to Botswana, Africa.
2. I talk to my Mom almost every day because she is the most important person in my life.
3. I take Venlafaxine (and have since 2006) for my anxiety and depression and I think mental health is a serious issue that should be talked about way more than it is.
4. The "Volunteer Experience" portion of my grad school CV was the longest section.
5. I am leaving my job of nine years to pursue my Master's of Arts in English Literature for no other reason than because I want to.
6. I am a very sex-positive person and do what I can to reclaim the word 'slut'.
7. This: 29 RAKs for my 29th on January 29th.

And the nominees are:
1. Lisa from Diary of a Square Toothed Girl because she writes posts like "I've Had Enough of Not Being Enough" that cause tears to well up in my eyes in one instant and a smile to grace my face in the next. Her A to Z posts were equally inspiring.

2. DL from Cruising Altitude 2.0 because he has incredible contests and challenges and ideas in general. Someday I hope to have as many followers as he does so I can do some of the stellar stuff he does with his blog, with mine!

3. Suburbia Interrupted because she is a woman who blogs about sex (and raising a family). Hu-rah!

4. Allie from Hyperbole and a Half because of this: Depression Part Two. I have no words to describe how absolutely perfectly bang on this post is. Mental health is not an easy thing to discuss and it is even less easy to understand if you are not dealing with it personally. Allie is my hero. Her words sting my heart and her cartoons perk up my smile. I only hope she publishes a graphic novel someday; imagine a graphic novel all about depression?! Brilliant!

5. Barbara from all my lives now...ChChChChanges simply because her blog head says: "How many lives have you lived? I feel like I have lived many. Different branches reach out to touch each other, yet never meet. I am still me always evolving and growing. This is all my life now." I mean, wow and I completely agree! (She also may have said that I was amazing this one time that she commented on my blog. Aw, shucks).

6. Julie from Julie you Jest because she blogs about the good, the bad, and the ugly with an open heart and an open mind. O, and she is also absolutely hilarious and has frogs on her blogs (that rhymes and she's awesome).

7. Ellen from Bad Word Mama! because her posts are so fucking hilarious and full of swear bad words! The fact that she blogs about her boyfriend too gives me justification for blogging about Farmer Joe.

8. Gaijin Cracker because her blog button is epic and she is no-holds-bar when it comes to what she says in her blog!

9. Suzanne from Times Squared because the name of her blog reminds me of my incredible visit to NYC a few years ago, but really it's because she is absolutely hilarious most of the time and then she goes and writes posts like: Cystic Fibrosis: What Would You Do?

10. Suzy Turner because she has written and published five novel/novellas and she is giving away her most recent one for FREE! Inspired to be just like her? I think, yes!

11. Laeli from Words To Live By because she is "a bit of a nut and has a wicked bright soul," that and this post: Celebration! O, and her other blog: The Super Shiny Amazing Real Life Adventures Of A Fat Runner speaks to my very core, for you see, I am a fat runner too. One more thing, she blogs about travelling too; I think we're soul mates!

Ok, I am cheating now...I just mentioned three of Laeli's blogs (because they all deserve mentioning NOT because I wanted to skimp out on nominations) so I am making up my own rule for this Very Inspiring Blogger Award business and counting #11 as three nominations. Of course, Laeli is not required to nominate forty-five bloggers to accept this award because that would just be cruel and unusual punishment. Moving on...

14. M.J. Joachim from Effectively Human because it was her blog that turned me on to the Celebrate the Small Things Blog Hop.

15. Scribblings of an Aspiring Author because Celebrate the Small Things is her brain child. When my world is going crazy insane and insane crazy, I take a moment and jot down the things I am most thankful for. Now I am going to make a point of doing it weekly!

I hope you'll check all of them out, but if you don't check them all out, at least check out a few!




Sunday, May 12, 2013

What Did JACK Ever Do To You?

Ya, so 'J' day was yesterday in The ABC's of Swearing, but Starr is, well, her namesake (a fucking rock star, I mean) and there are no rules in her challenge so I am posting for 'J' today.

So answer me, dammit, what did Jack ever do to you?


Jack shit
Jack off
Jackass
Jack and Jill (ok, not that one, but really, where did Jill end up in all of this vulgarity? Is it because Jack fell down the hill? Is that why no one likes him?)



Have I ever mentioned that I love Urban Dictionary? Here's why:
"Jack Shit: Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt and O. Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Knee-deep Schitt, Inc. Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt and they had 6 children: Holie Schitt, The twins: Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Give Schitt, and Bull Schitt. Jack and Noe divorced. Noe later married Mr. Sherlock and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock. Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt and they had Chicken Schitt. Fulla Schitt and Give Schitt married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony.The Schitt-Happens children are Dawg, Byrd, and Horse. Bull Schitt left home to tour the world. He recently returned with his new bride, Pisa."

The next time someone tells you, "You don't know Jack shit,'" answer with this. Imagine the look on their face!

While we're on the topic of words and phrases that include the word 'Jack', I must share with you one of the most disgusting acts of vulgarity I have seen in my life. I was attending a Motor Cross competition a few years ago and on the rear window of a red jacked up half tonne truck was a decal that read, "Jacked up cuz fat chicks can't jump." I don't think I'll ever forget that as long as I live. I hope those guys drive their truck into a pit of shit and get stuck there for a few hours days. Jackasses!


Friday, May 10, 2013

I'm In Love with an Indian

I've been talking about Farmer Joe throughout the month of May in conjunction with The ABC's of Swearing. It all makes sense if you read my initial post: Assholes and My Engagement Story.

Farmer Joe is an Okanagan Indian from British Columbia, Canada.

So, what?! Well, in Canada we have a teeny tiny grotesquely gigantic problem with racism towards First Nations people. I grew up in a very closed-minded, small town filled with many people who had absolutely no respect for Aboriginal people. Anytime a crime was committed, it had to be a "fucking Indian". The town started to fall apart after the "fucking Indians" moved in. Members of my own family have been known to say things like, "That's all because of the fucking Indians." (I have a hard time even typing the word 'Indian' because it is so  heavily ingrained in me as a derogatory word.)

Of late, however, I have come to learn that a lot of First Nations and Aboriginal people (they're the same people) prefer to be called Indians. My educated guess is that they would rather the 'fucking' was left off the front and the derogatory tone dropped, but overall, they are good with the word 'Indian.' Go figure!


I spent last Christmas with Farmer Joe's family in the Okanagan Valley of British Columbia. (In case you've never been there or even heard of it, let me tell you, if I believed in God, I'd say it's God's country.) Joe's family is a huge (compared to mine) family. There were upwards of 25 people in the house on Christmas day and it was magical. I have never felt so loved and accepted so immediately in my whole life. I think his Kye7e (Grandma) would have me if I would have let her.

Farmer Joe's Indian name is Susap.

I am in love with an Indian and proud to say so!




Thursday, May 9, 2013

Hell and Back (THANK YOU Hyperbole and a Half)

Have you ever been to hell and back? I mean, honestly? Well, I have. When I was 13 I stood dead still on the train tracks just outside my childhood home, train tracks that I had walked, run, skipped across thousands of times, and wished just that, that I was dead, that a train would come along and put an end to my miserable existence. I cried myself to sleep most nights. My journals from that time of my life are nightmarish.

I have only told a few people that fact about my 13 year old self and now I'm telling the whole damn internet, go figure. Anyway, I've battled the hellish depression demons for most of my life. I started taking medication 7 years ago and that has helped a lot. While a lot of people anticipate the day that they will no longer require meds to combat mental anguish, I am terrified of going off of mine. I don't ever want to go back to that place, to that hell.


From time to time those demons try to crawl back up. Sometimes I lie on the couch or in my bed, with a list of things to do a mile long, and just watch episode after episode of some mindless television show. Other times, I watch a sad movie and start crying, which would be normal if I could stop crying, but on occasion, I can't. I've never been able to get as excited as most people do about things that people are supposed to get excited about. Sometimes I just feel - numb - and I can't explain it.

Allie's blog Hyperbole and a Half was brought to my attention a couple of times today and that is what prompted this post. She blogs brilliantly about her hellish experience with depression. I cannot find words to describe how her post made me feel.


Anyone who is battling depression needs to read Allie's blog. Anyone who knows anyone who is battling depression needs to read Allie's blog. Hell, EVERYONE needs to read Allie's blog!

Wednesday, May 8, 2013

Gizoogle - Fo' all y'all biotches who wanna find shiznit!

Gut bustin' hilarity. That is all. Go to Gizoogle and just type something in; it'll be worth it!


It took a bit of playing around with search criteria, but I managed to get Gizoogle to find the Assholes and My Engagement post from the start of The ABCs of Swearing and convert it into straight up gangsta lingo! It's epic. I promise! 
It's also quite offensive, every second word (or so) is a swear, so be warned!


Tuesday, May 7, 2013

Fucking Facebook Ads

I guess I had this coming:


I was feeding my addiction yesterday which means I was playing Candy Crush on facebook and what to my unsuspecting eyes should appear but an add for fucking chickens! I mean, really?! Are you fucking kidding me? It takes you to My Pet Chicken. Whatever you do, do not tell Farmer Joe! This is what I get for blogging about chickens and how they freak me the fuck out. Facebook is taunting me now.

I'm keeping this post short and sweet so that you can check out the other bloggers participating in The ABC's of Swearing. Go forth and check their shit out!


Monday, May 6, 2013

E-I-E-I-O, Eggs, and Eating Out

Farmer Joe's last name is Kruger and the day he bought the chickens he updated his facebook status as follows: "Old Mc-Kruger had a farm." 

During his proposal (which you can read about here: Assholes and My Engagement Story), I made it quite clear that he is NOT Old McKruger, nor Farmer Joe, to which he responded sheepishly (yes, that pun is intended), "I know." Now I call him Farmer Joe (which he is convinced I do just to make fun of him) and I am thinking I should start calling him Old McKruger now. You know, switch things up a bit!

Old McKruger had a farm, E-I-E-I-O, and on that farm he had fucking chickens that cock-a-doodle at 5 a.m.!


I know I complain about it a lot. I am still kind of miffed about it, but I love Old McKruger will all my heart and when I saw the look on his face when he pulled his first egg out of the hen house yesterday, I forgave him...mostly!  How could I not, he was down right adorable. Cute, like baby chick, cute. (If they stayed yellow and fluffy and didn't grow to be all flapping wings, peaking beaks, and scratching claws, and shit, I wouldn't have an chicken complex.)

If you've been visiting at all during May you'll know that I am taking part in The ABC's of Swearing. E was a tough one; there was nothing on the list under 'E', so being the genius that I am, I thought of one myself. 

Eat Out (because I enjoy it so very much) - to go to a restaurant and enjoy a delicious meal. Get your minds out of the gutter, you pervs!






Saturday, May 4, 2013

Dicks and Dialogue with Farmer Joe

At approximately 5:30 a.m. I went through my daily (since Farmer Joe bought fucking chickens) ear plug ritual. I explained that ritual in my Cock-a-doodling and Cunts post. At approximately 7:30 I thought the cock-a-doodling had stopped so I took out the ear plugs. I was wrong. I noticed that Farmer Joe was kind of awake too, so I expressed my annoyance to him.

B: Aw, I thought the stupid thing was done cock-a-doodling.
FJ: O? Nope, there it is. (A loud cock-a-doodle could be heard from outside.)
B: Yep, it's been doing it since 5:30.
FJ: Really? I never heard anything.

Ok, so that little dialogue will be lost on you if you haven't read my Cock-a-doodling and Cunts post or most of the back story really: Assholes and My Engagement Story.

Sometime after that little conversation Farmer Joe tried to tell me that the rooster was just singing 'Sun Do Shine' from Rock-a-doodle.

FJ: You know that move, Rock-a-doodle about the...
B: No, I don't. I hate chickens. I don't watch movies about them.
FJ: O, well he's just sing that song, Sun Do Shine. (Farmer Joe is singing at this point).
B: I think what he's singing is, "I want my fucking head cut off."

That's how much I despise chickens, folks.

Anyway, today is supposed to be brought to you by the letter D in The ABC's of Swearing so let's get to that. Do you have any idea how many words can be made derogatory just by adding the word 'dick' to them?! Entirely too many! Why is 'dick' a swear word anyway. It's a term used to describe male genitalia which makes it derogatory, why?! If you read my C post (this is the third time I've mentioned it, so you really should), you know that I take issue with any word being placed in the 'swear word' category simply because it describes parts of the male or female anatomy. So my point is that 'dick' should not be a damn swear word.

In parting I will leave you with a question - did anyone else not know that dookie is another word for shit?


Friday, May 3, 2013

Cock-a-doodling and Cunts

I decided after reading a comment on yesterday's "You say I'm a BITCH like it's a bad thing!" post that was left by Marjorie at Don't Call Me Marge (she's also one of the hosts of The ABC's of Swearing) that Farmer Joe's punishment for buying chickens would be that I would write about him in my blog every time I post during this challenge. 

So here's what Marjorie commented: Poor Farmer Joe, you lie down with writers, you get up with stuff written about you. Write about him, I shall!

Farmer Joe also thinks I should clarify that he did not actually call me a Bitch like I said he did in my last post. What he actually said (he reminded me) is, "maybe I should call you a B... then." So, I exaggerated a bit and made him look like more of an asshole than he really is; he bought chickens. I fucking hate chickens!


I'm going to make my way to the 'C' part of this blog in a round about way. One of the main reasons I despise chickens and did not want Farmer Joe to buy any is because I am a very light sleeper. You see, due to Farmer Joe's line of work (we've already established in Assholes and My Engagement Story that Farmer Joe is not really a farmer) he sleeps like a rock through everything. So at 5:00 a.m. when the fucking roosters start cock-a-doodling, he doesn't even flinch. I, on the other hand, wake up, search for my ear plugs, insert said ear plugs, and then hope to fall back to sleep. See, I didn't just call him an asshole because I'm a bitch. 

Speaking of cocks, though, I'm going to move on to the male and female genitalia part of this post and my absolute abhorrence of the fact that any word used to describe parts of the human anatomy is considered a swear word. I'm not a dude so I'm not going to weigh in on the whole cock thing. I do not understand why cunt is considered one of the foulest words in the English language. Why is it so horrible to be called a cunt? I like mine and I'm not ashamed to say so. So call me a cunt; I'll take it as a compliment!


For those of you who want some really empowering reading check out Cunt: a declaration of independence by Inga Muscio and most specifically her excerpt entitled Cuntlovin' Public Retaliation (C.P.R. for short). Why is 'cunt' a swear word and 'rape' not?! 


Thursday, May 2, 2013

You say I'm a BITCH like it's a bad thing!

Someone (one of my close friends, I imagine) gave me a notebook with that exact (including the all caps) on the cover. The back of the notebook says, "If you want to BITCH about something, please take a number." My friends know we all too well.


Boss Bitch Tips
#1751: A boss bitch is a woman who handles her business without making it look like business.
#1748: You don't have to put your hands on someone to prove a point. A boss bitch can shut shit down with  her words.
#1718: Behind every successful woman is herself, her hard work, and her dedication.
This next one just might be my favorite - #1701: Don't give a fuck about anyone who underestimates you. You're well aware of your talents and strengths. You don't have shit to prove to anyone.

And now for just a little follow up...
After reading my Assholes and My Engagement post yesterday, Farmer Joe was a bit miffed that I called him an asshole. I told him what he did was an asshole thing to do and that I was also taking part in this blog challenge called The ABC's of Swearing (a very viable excuse). He attempted to counter my remarks (in a very playful manner, I must point out) by calling me a bitch.

Brandy = 1  Farmer Joe = 0.

Wednesday, May 1, 2013

Assholes and My Engagement Story

Now that A-Z has finished, it's time to move on to The ABC's of Swearing. This is really a great story that I am writing at the request of a few people, but be warned there will be the odd SWEAR word from time to time.

It just so happens that the major "life event" (that's what facebook calls it) occurred in a manner fitting for this first post.

Joe and I have been dating for almost a year (May 11, to be exact) and living together for nine months. We have two huge dogs that live in our small house with us. We call our place a "farm," but it's not really a farm because we don't have animals. Joe has always really wanted animals, rabbits, chickens, goats, sheep, cows. We've discussed all of these at length, and to all of his Farmer Joe ideas, I have responded with an adamant "NO."

Now, you see, Joe loves eggs and therefore would simply not give up on the chicken idea. Now, you see, I despise chickens. When I was a small child, a very large and aggressive rooster used to chase me around the yard and peck at me. I carried a red plastic bat around with me to fend it off. I am absolutely not kidding. So, I have a bird complex.


On Sunday, after a long, but lovely day of listening to and reciting creative works, I get a text message from Farmer Joe that says, and I quote, "Promise me that no matter what I do this afternoon, you won't get mad at me." After a brief phone call during which I can hear chickens clucking in the background, I am livid beyond imagination. I get home to four chickens (two roosters) clucking and pecking around our yard. "Why would buy fucking chickens when you know how much I hate them?" "For eggs," is all he says. He has also bought a rabbit, which I am somewhat ok with until he tells me that she is pregnant.

At this point, I go into the house, close myself in our bedroom and try to figure out what emotion I am feeling. Anger? Sadness? Hurt? ASSHOLE!

He comes inside and the dialogue goes something like this:
J: Let's go out for dinner.
B: No, I don't want to go anywhere.
J: Ok, I'll do the dishes then and make supper.
B: Ok.
J: Ok, what do you want to eat?
B: I don't know. I'm not very hungry.
J: Ok, how about pizza?
B: Ok.
As you can see, I was very talkative. Every time he opened his mouth, I wanted to throw something at him or burst out in tears or both. ASSHOLE!

The oven buzzer goes off and a few minutes later he peeks his head into the dark bedroom where I am still sitting contemplating my sheer rage and how I am going to come to terms with the fact that I really kind of despise him at this particular moment. "Here you go," and he passes me a plate of pizza and leaves the room again.

I pick up a piece of pepperoni pizza and notice something shiny under one of the pepperoni slices. I pull out the ring. I think at that point, I had no emotion. I was numb...or something. I get up, leave the bedroom, and find him in the kitchen.


The best way to describe what happened next is another little ditty of dialogue:
B: What is this? (holding up the ring)
J: Well, will you?
B: Will I what?
J: Will you marry me?
B: I'm still really pissed off at you about the fucking chickens.
J: I know.
B: Yes, I'll marry you.

Hugs and kisses and smiles all around.

B: So, did you plan this whole thing? Knowing that I would be pissed off about the chickens and then proposing so I wouldn't be as angry?
J: No!
B: Are you lying to me?
J: No! I didn't.
B: Ok.
J: I figured if I asked you now when you are so pissed off and you still said 'yes,' then you must really love me.

Still an asshole, but no ALL CAPS this time!


So, I am engaged to Farmer Joe (who, incidentally, did not know that he had two roosters; he thought he had one rooster and three hens, but I corrected him - I did grow up on a farm after all.) We now have, in addition to our two dogs named Winston and Chewie, a pregnant rabbit named Betsy, and four chickens named Dexter, Chick Chick, Fiona, and Freda.