Wednesday, May 1, 2013

Assholes and My Engagement Story

Now that A-Z has finished, it's time to move on to The ABC's of Swearing. This is really a great story that I am writing at the request of a few people, but be warned there will be the odd SWEAR word from time to time.

It just so happens that the major "life event" (that's what facebook calls it) occurred in a manner fitting for this first post.

Joe and I have been dating for almost a year (May 11, to be exact) and living together for nine months. We have two huge dogs that live in our small house with us. We call our place a "farm," but it's not really a farm because we don't have animals. Joe has always really wanted animals, rabbits, chickens, goats, sheep, cows. We've discussed all of these at length, and to all of his Farmer Joe ideas, I have responded with an adamant "NO."

Now, you see, Joe loves eggs and therefore would simply not give up on the chicken idea. Now, you see, I despise chickens. When I was a small child, a very large and aggressive rooster used to chase me around the yard and peck at me. I carried a red plastic bat around with me to fend it off. I am absolutely not kidding. So, I have a bird complex.

On Sunday, after a long, but lovely day of listening to and reciting creative works, I get a text message from Farmer Joe that says, and I quote, "Promise me that no matter what I do this afternoon, you won't get mad at me." After a brief phone call during which I can hear chickens clucking in the background, I am livid beyond imagination. I get home to four chickens (two roosters) clucking and pecking around our yard. "Why would buy fucking chickens when you know how much I hate them?" "For eggs," is all he says. He has also bought a rabbit, which I am somewhat ok with until he tells me that she is pregnant.

At this point, I go into the house, close myself in our bedroom and try to figure out what emotion I am feeling. Anger? Sadness? Hurt? ASSHOLE!

He comes inside and the dialogue goes something like this:
J: Let's go out for dinner.
B: No, I don't want to go anywhere.
J: Ok, I'll do the dishes then and make supper.
B: Ok.
J: Ok, what do you want to eat?
B: I don't know. I'm not very hungry.
J: Ok, how about pizza?
B: Ok.
As you can see, I was very talkative. Every time he opened his mouth, I wanted to throw something at him or burst out in tears or both. ASSHOLE!

The oven buzzer goes off and a few minutes later he peeks his head into the dark bedroom where I am still sitting contemplating my sheer rage and how I am going to come to terms with the fact that I really kind of despise him at this particular moment. "Here you go," and he passes me a plate of pizza and leaves the room again.

I pick up a piece of pepperoni pizza and notice something shiny under one of the pepperoni slices. I pull out the ring. I think at that point, I had no emotion. I was numb...or something. I get up, leave the bedroom, and find him in the kitchen.

The best way to describe what happened next is another little ditty of dialogue:
B: What is this? (holding up the ring)
J: Well, will you?
B: Will I what?
J: Will you marry me?
B: I'm still really pissed off at you about the fucking chickens.
J: I know.
B: Yes, I'll marry you.

Hugs and kisses and smiles all around.

B: So, did you plan this whole thing? Knowing that I would be pissed off about the chickens and then proposing so I wouldn't be as angry?
J: No!
B: Are you lying to me?
J: No! I didn't.
B: Ok.
J: I figured if I asked you now when you are so pissed off and you still said 'yes,' then you must really love me.

Still an asshole, but no ALL CAPS this time!

So, I am engaged to Farmer Joe (who, incidentally, did not know that he had two roosters; he thought he had one rooster and three hens, but I corrected him - I did grow up on a farm after all.) We now have, in addition to our two dogs named Winston and Chewie, a pregnant rabbit named Betsy, and four chickens named Dexter, Chick Chick, Fiona, and Freda.


  1. I heart this so fucking hard! Farmer Joe is da man. Serious. I'd forgive chickens, rabbits, even cows, for a proposal like that. :) Congratulations.

    (Incidentally, your anniversary is my youngest son's birthday.)

    -The Insomniacs Dream

  2. Aw. Well isn't that all just too cute :) Congrats you two.

  3. "B: I'm still really pissed off at you about the fucking chickens.
    J: I know.
    B: Yes, I'll marry you."


    Some farmer, can't even identify a rooster! What would he do without you? LOL!

  4. Awwww.. congrats :) too cuuute for words!

  5. That's an awesome engagement story Brandy! Also, what a gorgeous ring- Joe has great taste!

  6. Great story and, even though the chicken fiasco, you still managed to say "Yes".

    That's true love! :)

  7. Congratulations!

    Ugh! Chickens! We had them growing up too and those roosters are mean! If it were me, those chickens might have a temporary home, but I doubt I'd keep them for very long at all. Kudos to you for being so nice.

  8. Farmer Joe - Hahahaha. If I told you when we were in Bots, that less than two years from now you'd be engaged to Farmer Joe, you never would have believed me. This is a ridiculously cute story, and you are still a fantastic writer. Thank you for sharing :)

  9. Aww, so sweet. Congratulations! May your lifes be filled with love and laughter always.

  10. What an amazing story! Best wishes all around!


    Hey congratulations. I noticed the label doesnt say "shit my BOYFRIEND did" but "Shit my FIANCE did." Very excited for you! ANd I love and adore my chickens! Even though our rooster is an asshole.

  12. oh hey I meant to tell you that if you are really interested in graphic novels, my brother just published his first. Called King James Monego.It is the story of a slave revolt that is based on a true story. If you want to email me your address I would love to ask him to send you a copy.

  13. I finally found the time to thank you properly for the
    Liebster, hop over and say hi anytime:)
    Congrats on the engagement, enjoy the fun of it.

    maggie at expat brazil

  14. Congratz on the engagement :)

  15. Roosters...he does know they don't lay eggs, and chickens don't need the big boys around to lay them right? How funny. My in-laws talk about the time he bought a male rabbit that had babies when he tried to be a farmer once... 50 years ago, and they are still very happy Nice ring congratulations.

  16. I loved how he proposed you....LOL....
    and Congrats to you both! :)

  17. This is great! At least he didn't tie a ring around the rooster's neck!

  18. Hi Brandy Congratulations, what a great way to propose - chickens and rings and eggs - perfect!
    The fact that I’ve passed the sunshine award on to you will pale into insignificance against your lovely news – but I have, and I hope you have fun with it. Barbara x

  19. Who gets to say "fucking chicken" during a proposal? No one. Until now. Such a great story! Congratulations!

  20. ramona/ aka: MomMay 4, 2013 at 9:51 AM

    Well, it's a good thing that you didn't throw the plate of pizza (and ring) across the dark room. Or, even worse, gobble up the pizza and swallow the ring too. This story really does sound like my Joe. Good luck to you both and may you have many years of farming together.

  21. Congratulations on your engagement. Sorry about the chickens.


  22. Sounds like your Farmer Joe is a sneaky one. Better keep an eye on him. If he ever comes home with a cow, he'd better buy you a car!

    Congrats on your engagement!

    From Suzanne @

  23. What a wonderful engagement story! We still don' t have our chickens yet. The chicken coop is like the Taj Mahal, but he keeps finding more things to "fix" on it. At this rate, we'll never actually get around to getting our chickens.