Thursday, May 9, 2013

Hell and Back (THANK YOU Hyperbole and a Half)

Have you ever been to hell and back? I mean, honestly? Well, I have. When I was 13 I stood dead still on the train tracks just outside my childhood home, train tracks that I had walked, run, skipped across thousands of times, and wished just that, that I was dead, that a train would come along and put an end to my miserable existence. I cried myself to sleep most nights. My journals from that time of my life are nightmarish.

I have only told a few people that fact about my 13 year old self and now I'm telling the whole damn internet, go figure. Anyway, I've battled the hellish depression demons for most of my life. I started taking medication 7 years ago and that has helped a lot. While a lot of people anticipate the day that they will no longer require meds to combat mental anguish, I am terrified of going off of mine. I don't ever want to go back to that place, to that hell.

From time to time those demons try to crawl back up. Sometimes I lie on the couch or in my bed, with a list of things to do a mile long, and just watch episode after episode of some mindless television show. Other times, I watch a sad movie and start crying, which would be normal if I could stop crying, but on occasion, I can't. I've never been able to get as excited as most people do about things that people are supposed to get excited about. Sometimes I just feel - numb - and I can't explain it.

Allie's blog Hyperbole and a Half was brought to my attention a couple of times today and that is what prompted this post. She blogs brilliantly about her hellish experience with depression. I cannot find words to describe how her post made me feel.

Anyone who is battling depression needs to read Allie's blog. Anyone who knows anyone who is battling depression needs to read Allie's blog. Hell, EVERYONE needs to read Allie's blog!


  1. I'm glad you're feeling better these days. xx

  2. I can't even imagine. I personally know about struggling with chronic illness but not mental illness - that's a horse of a different color. I'm with Marjorie - I'm glad you're feeling better these days.

  3. Oh my friend, I am never surprised by how many vital and amazing spirits such as yourself that have been affected by depressive illness. Im with you. Im happy youre feeling better and hope those meds always take care of that chemical stew we call a brain...I never want to go back to my worst either but I fear some level will always be with me despite meds etc. None the less that was one hell of a usefull blog...I wonder if the copyright has been used toward publication? It would be so useful for my clients...I will find out ...just thinking in blog...Thanks for sharing...I was thinking maybe decreased seretonin uptake has something to do with intense dislike of chickens? No ...I really like em much for that theory...I got nuthin. :)

  4. I've never dealt with serious depression but since I've been little I've struggled with anxiety. Medication has helped a lot. Glad you are feeling better and thanks for sharing.

  5. It's inspiring to see how you've managed to deal with depression. I can't say that I've experienced it personally, but I have experienced it through three people that I loved: my ex-husband, my father, and my daughter. I pray for the day that someone finds a way to eradicate it completely.

  6. Brandy, I have had my struggles as well. In fact, when I began blogging it was nothing but writing about depression. Then I found out I'm better at the funny and deleted all of the old posts.

    I read the depression piece on Hyperbole and a Half last week. A friend sent it to me to read because . . . Well, yeah, you guessed it. I'm currently struggling through it again. I hide it well, behind humor, but it's there.

    There exists today one piece I wrote on depression that wasn't deleted or taken off the internets... because it was a guest post...

    -The Insomniacs Dream

  7. I hear you. I've been in an episode for the last little bit. No reason, just my dumb brain :)

    Allie is pretty awesome, I'm happy she blogged again.